Letting Go...

Today's ah ha moment came in a casual conversation with my mother-in-law this morning. I was talking about a recent problem that seems to be showing up over and over in my life in different relationships (obviously some work to do on it...) and at one point I said "uh, I've got to let that go!" My mother-in-law Linda (who is a healer) said "No! You can't just let it go. It doesn't work that way. Your brain needs something tangible and concrete to think about any issue. You need to change your thinking about it, and in that change the issue begins to heal and the transformation of letting go happens naturally."

This hit me on so many levels. First, instinctively I knew this has always been my process. When high negative emotions come up for me, I know there is work to be done. After a few minutes of victim-hood, I yearn for a way to resolve the issue. I work to understand the others point of view, or why they did what they did. I look at myself and question why this is a trigger, and I'll read or journal or meditate about how I can think or feel differently to find peace with this issue.

When I can find something that makes sense, a view that feels right, I develop an understanding to the situation. There's a knowing that this was meant to happen. My thinking really is changed when I feel my thoughts bring me some level of peace.

There is often a little battle with the ego that goes of for a bit. My negative thinking pops in and reminds me that I was right and the other is wrong. On some subjects may stay here for a long time (even a lifetime). I believe that if one is to evolve, to find peace, there must be some conscious choosing that occurs to interrupt the ego mind, and focus on what you know to be true about the situation (that new tangible positive thought process).

When this topic comes up, I have to remind myself of my new thinking/understanding. Over time with a commitment to see things differently, this positive idea expands, and soon when this topic is brought up in conversation, I talk about the good that has come from it, what I learned, how it has become an opportunity for growth, or what amazing thing has evolved because of it.

It's at this time, when choosing to think positively is a matter of fact, that I really have let go. I've let go of any negative emotions, and old thinking patterns. I've become self empowered rather than a victim of a good story.

Like George of the Jungle, I have to grasp the new vine before I can let go of the old one.

So to Let Go really means to embrace something new. We make choices every day on how we are going to feel and what energy we are going to bring into our lives. What is something in your life you'd like to let go of? How can you find a way to see this situation through a different lens in order to find more peace in your mind.

Being at Peace with What Is

There are times where I find myself frustrated with someone. I expect them to be or do something different than their current actions. At first, I blame them with all kinds of reasons why they have failed to meet my expectations. I'll say "they're not trying hard enough", or "they don't really care". "They don't see things like I see them." After a few minutes of really feeling like the victim and helpless, I become aware that this is just a story that keeps me in the loop of frustration and prevents me from changing the situation and becoming the person I really want to be. (certainly not a powerless victim).

The definition of Frustration is a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems. Frustration is particularly heightened when it's believed these issues can be resolved, but the solutions are unknown.

This definition is important to me because it clarifies, that when I am particularly frustrated it's because I know it can be resolved. Now, instead of feeling powerless, I have control of the situation. I know I need to ask for help, learn something new, or grow a little more in this direction. I need to seek out a solution to my problem - especially if it's one that keeps coming up for me over and over.

Once we get ourselves out of victim mode, we can then ask some great questions...
-What is it that I really want from this person/situation?
-Why is this so important to me?
-Where might I find a solution to this problem?
-How might my mentor (or the person I want to be) handle this problem?
-What can I do today to move me closer to my intended outcome?

Sometimes there are no solutions to your problems. So instead, one keeps complaining, expecting, and being disappointed - over and over again! How could you possibly be at peace with that?

I remind myself of a few things:
-The more I focus on what I don't want the more I get of it.
-Changing the way I look at this can help to resolve it.
-This person I'm upset with is acting out of there own best interest and doing the best they can do.
-My view is not the only view (my view is not the full truth of the matter).
-If I have a problem with someone, it's my emotional connection to the problem that needs changing, not the other person.

After reasoning with myself, considering that I have control of how I feel and I can change this situation just by looking at it differently, I make progress with being at peace.

Next, I consider how not changing my thinking keeps me stuck and how painful that idea is. I know I must change this.

Then, I consider who I really want to be. How would someone with the skill set I desire feel, speak and act in this situation? I can do that too!

One of the most powerful statements that I use to bring peace to situations that are out of my control is from Byron Katie's The Work. She asks "Who would you be without that thought?" Without these thoughts, I wouldn't be a victim, I wouldn't have expectations of the people around me needing to act a certain way for me to be happy, I wouldn't be without solutions, I wouldn't be frustrated.

For example, if you believe your father always puts you down, what is your relationship like with him? What would the relationship be if you didn't believe that to be true? If I didn't get upset about my friend always being late, would I enjoy meeting her more often?

Sometimes, we need to take stock of the habits of others. For example, my wife always leaves the dishes on the counter (which I do :)) If you could let go of the frustration, of the idea that this issue needs to change, and just state it as a fact, there would be peace with what is. Nagging and complaining rarely change another's habits, and almost always decrease the level of closeness or intimacy in that relationship.

Being at Peace means first acknowledging frustration. Quickly get out of victim mode and ask yourself: Is this something I can change or not? If the answer is yet then ask and act. If it can't be changed ask yourself "Who would I be without this thought?" Then remind yourself to let it go, until you do.

Who would you be if you didn't get frustrated - if you were at peace with what is?

Gratitude

One of the most important things to learn is how to use Gratitude to not only move you into a positive state, but also to enjoy the process of living, and attracting more good things into your life. I think it's common knowledge that you get out of life how you view it. It's easy to wake up and claim "I'm tired - this day is going to suck". And that's exactly what you'll get, unless you stop to look around and see the beauty around you. What is most interesting about this topic is that it's not common knowledge that we can choose how we feel. Just as we decide that we are going to have a bad day, we also could choose to have a great day. Robert Holden, author of Be Happy, found in his happiness project that almost everyone makes an unconcious decision in the first hour of there day about how your day was going to go. If we really have the power to choose how we will see the day unfold, why don't we do this every day? Well, when you wake up late, kids are screaming, you have no clean clothes, and you've got a stressful day of work ahead of you - its easy to see how we focus on just getting through the day. However, what if it were possible, even in this situation to stop and choose to have a different experience (maybe not in that moment) but in the moments to come. Since watching the movie the Secret, I noticed how gratitude brought about a sense of peace in me. I became concious that the days I thought about being grateful for something, were the days that I was most happy. I connected with others more deeply, and I felt a positive maturing unfolding. In most cases there was a calm, grounded feeling in my day when I took time to choose to feel good. So I decided that rather than reflecting on how great my life was on occassion when I saw something unfortunate in someone elses life, I could reflect proactively and more often. After reading and listening to many lessons from Gerry & Ester Hicks, I created a list of ways to start a statement of grattitude. I listed these in the first page of a journal (My Gratitude Journal), and began either writing or meditating on the following questions on an almost daily basis. Here are mine:
Wouldn't it be nice if...
I wish...
I want...
I'm looking forward to...
I'm hopeful for...
I am grateful for...
The new story I want to tell is...
I appriciate...
My secret desire is...
I love...
I love myself because...
I want to celebrate having accomplished...
(By the way, you don't need a lot of time for this - often I go through this list while I brush my teeth and get dressed in the morning)

These statements are in a specific order.
When your feeling really lousy it's hard to pick yourself up and say "I love life!". It's much easier to say, "Wouldn't it be nice if...". If your husbands stomping his feet, the dog peed on the floor, and your coffee machine is broken - the statements "I wish" can lift you up and get you to choose a different path for your day. If your having a great morning, you may be able to wake up and declaire " I love myself because..." but this may be a stretch especially at the beginning of a gratitude journal. Gerry & Ester Hicks call this moving up the emotional scale. It's important to realize that if you intend to change your state/mood, one step up the scale at a time is best.
After practising gratitude for a while you may start to notice there are certain things you have aquired, accomplished, or surround yourself with on a daily basis that make you feel good as soon as you think about it. Tony Robbins talks about changing your state by using things like this (anchors he calls them), to conciously choose to feel good. Throughout your day, things may unfold miserably, you got fired, you missed your train, the dog peed on the rug again, and rather than thinking "Oh I love my life!" which would be rather sarcastic and too far off the emotional scale, you can move to...Well, at least I have this...I'm really greatful to still have... and soon enough, you are in a place where you are feeling hopefull about where you are and optimistic about your future.
There is one thing I know for sure - each day we are growing, changing and evolving. I know I want to enjoy my time, attract happy people into my life and live a life full of amazing experiences. And now that I know Joy is a choice, there's no reason not to choose it every day. Will you choose to enjoy your day today? Give it a try for a few days and notice if changing your state makes a difference in how things unfold for you!

The First Steps...

This Blog is intended to be a collection of tid bits of wisdom, reflection, and ideas that are recorded on a weekly basis related to personal growth and development.

As a self proclaimed self-help junkie I can't get enough of anything related to improving ones' health, mental state, success, or fulfillment. I read, listen to audio, go to conferences, watch documentaries, journal, meditate, and dream of almost nothing else...even most of my vacations are surrounded by health spas and resorts.

My work - yoga classes, wellness coaching and personal training sessions provide the opportunity for me to debate these ideas about change, growth and empowerment I absorb. As I see people succeed from new techniques and thoughts, I know I need to share these tools with others. There are so many moments that go forgotten, that have the answers for transformation and achievement that most people seek.

I intend to record these gems in this blog. In doing so, I hope to create the framework for a personal growth self help book using the best of these inspirational thoughts, tools, techniques and insights. Please feel free to share your comments, feelings, and ideas with me as I go...

As a side note: Please don't send me grammer and spelling corrections. Since, my writing skills have improved dramatically since flunting English in highschool, I know that in order to let this book come to life I have to keep my thoughts flowing with ease! Let my editor have all the fun!